somebody snuck up and got me drunk
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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