I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
