nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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