Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
