every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
