Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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