i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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