How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
