I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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