If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
