My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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