A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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