dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
