I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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