wakey wakey hands off snakey
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
