I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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