I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
