My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
