Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
