So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
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Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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