i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
