I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
