the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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