Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
