I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
