How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want to have your abortion
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
