when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
