I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
