things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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