the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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