just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
