No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
if only i could text you this smell
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
