OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
