My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
