You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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