come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Come share oat with me in your robe
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
