Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
