We're facebook friends in real life
I think my vagina is haunted
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
