You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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