Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
