My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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