is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
