The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
