I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
