Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
