I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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