Soap is not a condiment
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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