Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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