You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
