is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
