I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
