There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
