Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
