1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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