after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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